Man Bun: Long hair tied back into a bun, or short hair forcibly pulled back into a sprout of sorts
What it says: You drink Kombucha, have some variation of a meditation app on your phone and don’t eat meat but slip up every now and again. You’ll probably plan the first date at some obscure vegan restaurant and chew her ear off about Bitcoin.
Long Hair: Any hair grown past the shoulders
What it says: You grew weed plants in your college dorm room and have more graphic T-shirts with band logos than matching socks. You’re not going to pay for the first date, or any date thereafter, because you’ll never plan one that requires you to leave the living room. But you’re always down to chill if she comes to you.
Spiked Hair: Overly gelled hair that sticks up
What it says: You’re either European or stuck in the late ’90s/early 2000s. And, because you can’t let go of the past, you probably carry a lot of relationship baggage with you, too.
Highlighted Hair: Hair with any artificial coloring at all
What it says: You spent the money to actually change your look, like Ryan Lochte who’s gone gray on purpose or Justin Bieber who’s gone platinum more times than he can count. What do these two have in common? They’re not the sharpest tools in the shed, and neither are you.
Buzz Cut: Very, very short hair
What it says: This is the cut every dude had at some point during their awkward stage, right before or right after they grew their hair out for that garage band they were in, sprouted their very first mustache hairs and lost their virginity. It’s a penis-head haircut that requires no effort, which is why it’s popular among teenage boys and shouldn’t be popular among grown-ass adults. Rocking a buzz cut says you’re too lazy to do your hair or too cheap to invest in the products to do it.
Bald: Little to no hair
What it says: You were either starting to go bald and figured that having no hair was better than looking like George Costanza, or you lost a bet. One says that you’re mature and confident, and the other says quite the opposite.
Side Part: Hair parted to one side
What it says: Your closet is probably full of cardigans. You wear scarves over your jacket, which serves virtually no purpose, but it looks nice. You only go to restaurants with at least four stars. And you golf with your dad friends on Sundays. Overall, you’re a pretty decent guy, but you’re also pretty vanilla.
Comb Over: Anything close to Donald Trump’s hair
What it says: You’re losing your hair and you just can’t face the facts. You’ll probably have a hard time in a relationship because when you can’t even be honest with yourself, how are you going to be honest with someone else?
Pompadour Cut: Big, Elvis-like hair
What it says: You care a lot about your image. So much so that you’ll take longer to get ready than she will and, consequently, will probably be late to most functions.