Are you a regular gym-goer? Consider this required reading.
And if you resemble any of the following uncool customers, consider the fact that the general population would prefer you just did sit-ups in your room.
Or, you know, quit being one of them.
- The Man in the Mirror
From the time he steps into the gym, his eyes don’t leave himself. It almost creeps you out how hard he is staring at his own reflection. Chances are this guy will be wearing a boy’s medium wife beater combined with his fake gold chain and spiky hair. And pretty much everyone wishes he’d get lost in a mirror maze.
- The Cirque du Soleil-er
What happened to working out like a normal person? This person is not satisfied until he has incorporated every available Swiss ball and balance board into his workout while hanging upside down. I know there are new age training methods, but do you really have to do two cartwheels, jump over your buddy and then finish with a reverse lunge?
- The Rack Hugger
This is the person who picks up the dumbbells and doesn’t step back from the weight rack, thus making it a tightrope walk for anyone else to use any of the other weights. And that only gets dicier when the rack hugger is an old man in a cut-off shirt with abnormal shoulder hair.
- The Grunter
He’s doing a standard workout and making sure the entire world knows about it. The noises can range from basic screaming, to actual ridiculous phrases such as, “Give it to me, baby!” “It’s Kobe time!’ or “I am the Strongest Man Alive!!!” (Heard any great grunter catchphrases lately? Leave ’em in the comments section below.)
- The Training For the UFC Guy
This is the guy who, after watching four seasons of The Ultimate Fighter, decided to make a run at getting his ass kicked professionally. Not only does he do ridiculous circuits throughout the entire gym, he continually shadow boxes after every set. Seriously, dude, do you really need to pollute the freakin’ YMCA with your delusion?
- The Workout in Jeans Guy
I wonder if this guy studies in shorts. He generally has absolutely no idea what he is doing and zero gym etiquette. He is picking up random weights, moving them around a bit while making a perplexed face. This person needs a personal trainer. And some workout pants.
- The Girl Who Wears Absolutely Nothing Then Acts All Pissed Off When Everyone Looks at Her
This girl is hot and she knows it. She has worked hard for her body and spent a lot of money on skimpy workout attire. But whatever you do, DO NOT LOOK AT HER. She will give you a death stare so searing, you’ll feel like you’re about to appear on the next episode of To Catch a Predator.
- The Expert
This self-proclaimed guru makes it his duty to approach random people throughout the gym and advise them on their workout. He usually quotes an abundance of studies which he or she thinks backs up his nonsense. The funny thing is, he’s not even in that great of shape.
- The Chatty Kathy
This person sports a towel over his shoulder to create the illusion he actually produced some sweat that day. Meanwhile, he’ll simply watch you work out while rambling about his night at the bar or the time his buddy in another city did something spectacular. Keep your headphones on and do not, I repeat, do not make eye contact.
- The Creeper
This person is always a guy and somehow makes everyone uncomfortable. He’s had raging testosterone from the beginning of his workout and sized up every single girl in the facility. The occasional lick of the lips or wink reveals his role as the local pervert. May or may not have a ponytail.